Learning to Leap

In a former life, I was a school teacher. I fostered all kinds of educational growth in my students (I hope) and was just so thrilled when I saw the light of understanding in their eyes. It was so satisfying. So fulfilling. So wonderful to play even a small role in their personhood. So lest I be accused of encouraging ignorance, please keep in mind my past profession and my calling to educate the young people of our world. But dadgum it, literacy has really become a thorn in my side as a mother.  Before any of my children could read, things were just so much EASIER. I could spell out things I didn't want their little ears to hear in my conversation and they didn't bat an eye. I could skip long paragraphs of stories at bedtime and as long as I made up something that sounded good in its place, all was well.  When I was hit with statements such as, "Mommy!? There's Chuck E. Cheese's! We HAVE to go there right now!" I could reply with someth...

Sometimes I feel like I should've been an entertainer. I should've pursued a career on the stage, and I imagine myself delighting throngs of adoring fans with my many talents. Singing, dancing, being a mime, an acrobat, etc. But then again, so could virtually EVERY mother out there.  My talent show is seen daily every morning at 6:50am when I begin waking my sleeping beauties for school. And fortunately, I take criticism from my audience pretty well and do not let it discourage me from future shows.  It doesn't bother me a bit when they groan and throw the covers over their heads or when they give me the evil eye.  I set my own alarm for 6:30, giving myself 20 minutes to mentally prepare. I have to get into character, you see. What I really WANT to do is stand at their bedroom doors and mumble, "Get up and get ready," and then walk away. And just like that, they would cooperate and all would be well. Unfortunately, my children in re...

I want to address a topic that is causing me some distress lately.  School has started and we are all getting adjusted to a new routine, figuring out teacher expectations, and trying to never forget important things such as signing our young students' homework journals each evening.  I have been a little resentful that my children got adorable new outfits and shoes when I am the one who feels like I am carrying most of the responsibility since they are still in lower elementary school. I mean, seriously, who's REALLY in charge of making sure homework gets done and memory work gets memorized when your kid is in second grade? That would be YOU, Mom. This week, I had to remember to give my oldest daughter $5 for a recorder for music class. Oh, heaven help us all...WHY do we WANT children to learn how to play plastic flutes?! Seems a little cruel to the audience, especially when the concert will be in a large activity room with painted cinder block walls and a...

When you become a mother, there are certain skills you expect you will need.  For example, if you are a mother it's probably helpful if you know how to do things like make sure bottles are an appropriate temperature for babies, how to comb hair without major battles, and how to make sure different foods on the same plate do not touch one another.  I expected all this as I held each of my newborns in my arms. I understood the requirements and felt up to the challenge. Or so I thought. Ten years into my career as a mother, I still find myself woefully lacking in one very critical skill: negotiating.  Labor classes are all well and good, but what we REALLY need is a class dedicated to teaching mothers how to reason with miniature people, how to make deals with five year olds, how to play on the emotions of their children to negotiate acceptable outcomes. I negotiate all the time around here, but the one area I find most challenging is when tr...

It's amazing, really! Lightning speed unparalleled by any grown up in history.  For real. Somebody please tell me how she does it. Her and the rest of the miniature people around three years old. I assume (strictly based upon the existence of leashes for children) that I cannot be the only mother who has experience with a "runner".  A runner is a child who has a seeming supernatural ability to be in one spot one moment, and in the very next microsecond, be NOWHERE remotely close to that spot. I'm convinced that _____, author of the Harry Potter series, came up with her idea of apparating by observing a young child such as I've described. Apparating, in her books, is when the students of Hogwarts had to learn to disappear from one spot and transport themselves to someplace completely different in a split second. Who knew this wasn't strictly fictional? Although their giftedness does seem to diminish with age, apparating children are nothing...

It's all their fault.  It's almost as if they are purposefully scheming ways to make us gain weight. Yes, yes, our children are technically responsible for the 25 pounds (ahem) we put on during pregnancy. But we can't really blame them for that part, I suppose. I mean, it's not like they're actually forcing us to eat Krispy Kreme donuts and ice cream. They are confined within our wombs, for heaven's sake! There is nothing they can do to force us to guzzle down milkshakes.  But we still blame them. So okay, I can concede that our kids often get a bad rap when being blamed for anything over the doctor recommended weight gain during pregnancy, and most of the time it's probably not their fault. But man, oh man, once they're out and among us in the world, that's where their innocence screeches to a halt.  Those of you in the throes of motherhood with anyone under the age of eight will understand. You want to eat well. Really, you...

I am officially uncool. I mean, SO far from being cool that I can't possibly hope for ever being back in the game.  I thought I had a little more time! I wasn't quite ready for the seal and stamp of being someone's old lady who doesn't know cool from social disaster when it comes to, well, anything. I mean, we all remember suspecting that our mothers actually hated us based on some of the things we were dressed in as young girls (okay, for me, it was really only when I looked back at pictures and saw ensembles my mother had agreed to allow me out of the house in that I began to wonder if she really loved me at all). But now? Now I've joined the ranks of clueless mother who would make embarrassing fashion choices for my daughter if given free reign.  I took my oldest child to buy some summer shoes this afternoon. This is more difficult than you would at first imagine. For starters, she is EXTREMELY picky. This has been a problem with her and footwear s...