The Management

February 27, 2012

The Management in my home is getting fed up.

New policies are being instated and enforced with diligence.

New policy #1

(and being illiterate does not exempt residents from responsibility)

All clothes found in the laundry room or hamper which are not actually dirty shall incur a fine of 25 cents per item. Certain young residents around here are slightly obsessed with changing clothes at amazing rates of speed. Clothing must be worn a minimum of half a day in order to be considered for laundering.

Management has deemed it appropriate to charge a nominal fee for extra needless laundry. This seems fair. After all, the money will likely go to purchase additional detergent, dryer sheets, and Tylenol for my aching back. We are prepared for the reality that most of our residents will be broke within two days, but don't worry, rent is cheap around here.

New Policy #2

"No food allowed past this point."

This includes, but is not limited to, goldfish crackers, gummy treats, liquids of ANY kind, and in general anything which young minds could possibly deem acceptable for consumption. (So yes, this also includes tiny beads, crayons, and dog food.)

This one has been kinda funny to observe. I've seen residents actually stop and read the policy and have to stop mid-stride on their way to the family room with a handful of pretzels. Somehow it surprises them every single time. They sigh, stay where they are to wolf down their snack, and then proceed as planned.

New Policy #3

"Dogs Need Food."

Providing food and water is not really a negotiable term for your pet. He pretty much will die if residents in this home don't start doing a better job of remembering to provide basic sustenance. And while I would prefer this to be a "no pets" residence, I cannot support getting rid of the animal by these means.

And while we're at it, New Policy #4

The dog's water bowl is NOT to be used by any resident in this home with opposable thumbs. Please refrain from drinking out of his water bowl, even if you do use a fancy straw.

And finally,

New Policy #5

"Baskets have been provided for shoe storage. Please begin utilizing them for this purpose."

This new policy results from a rather prevalent and ongoing problem. But don't take it from me. See for yourself.

A member of Management built the bench pictured above with great loving care for the residents in this home. The other member of Management went out and purchased the baskets which fit perfectly in the bench, as you can see.

It is not just for looks.

It is not just for dumping your junk on and walking away.

It is definitely not for standing on and launching yourself onto other residents' bodies so that you can splatter them on the tile floor.

It is designed for shoes to be placed INSIDE the baskets. Not next to them, not on top of the bench, not in other random spots throughout the house.

* * * * *

And just when I thought I had all necessary policies posted, my youngest caught the policy fever herself and began designing a few of her own. This immediately resulted in one additional non-negotiable policy: NO POLICY WRITING WITH MARKERS NEAR THE FURNITURE!