Name Calling

Remember the first time?

It was magical, wasn't it?  You had anticipated it your entire life.  Imagined how it would really cement your relationship, where it would happen, and how unforgettable it would be.

I bet you still remember it like it was yesterday:  the sacred moment when you first heard your child call you "Mom".  

What?  Where did you think I was talking about?  

Remember how you coaxed and pleaded and taught your little diaper clad child to say "Mama"?  Remember how you longed to hear that angelic little voice utter your name?  Remember how completely exhilarated it made you feel and how it was absolute music to your ears?  

Actually, now that I think about it, yes, I do vaguely recall that thrill.  

Nine years and three kids later, all that work I put into teaching them how to say my name has really come back to bite me.  

I love it and I hate it.  

For the love of all things good and holy!  STOP saying "Mom"!!  

"MOM!  I need you to wipe me!" come the calls from the least able member of the family.

"MOM!" She's bothering me!"

"MOM!  I accidentally did something!" (this is a personal favorite of mine because you just never can tell what you'll discover...it's like being on a gameshow where you're the unsuspecting contestant).

"MOM!"

"MOM!"

"MOM!!!"

By my rough calculations, I think I hear my name being called approximately 1,378 times per day.  

The word "mom" is so engrained into all of our subconsciouses that we can't go anywhere without thinking people are speaking to us.  Try it.  Next time you are in a crowded grocery store or ball field, have your child yell "MOM!" simply to see how many women will turn to look your way.  We can't help it.  It's like Pavlov's dog (except instead of getting a treat when we respond, we usually get in trouble for not HAVING a treat to give).  

The kids even sing songs with the only lyric being, "Mom, la la la".  They are like my own personal paparazzi.  I am the most pursued and popular person in my home (until dad surprises us with a new puppy again, that is).  I literally am followed everywhere I go.  No exceptions and no place they hesitate follow.

And so, the very thing we anticipated and dreamed of and cried over the first time it happened has now taken over and is completely out of control.  Moms, do whatever it takes to avoid a meltdown.  Wear headphones, stick cotton in your ears, meditate...just don't do anything that will cause your name-abusing children to associate "Mom" with "crazy lunatic".  

But seriously, shouldn't there be a limit for the number of times they can say our name every day?  Cell phones have texting plans and a limit on the number of minutes we can talk without paying additional fees.  Why can't we extend this to the home and "mom-happy" kiddos?  We could settle on a fixed number of "Moms" they could say and then every time they exceed their limit they'd have to rub our feet or wipe their siblings' bottom for us or, gasp, break up a sibling disagreement as our representative (that one would keep them pretty busy in a lot of our homes).  

I guarantee the name calling abuse would stop.  And quick.  

Excuse me...I think I hear my name being called somewhere across the house...and I am ready for a foot massage.