Time for some honesty.
Time for some reflecting on...well,
time.
I am currently standing on the sidelines
watching a family endure the most agonizing thing imaginable - the loss of a
child. 17 years old. Vibrant. Healthy. Beautiful. A heart for Jesus that I
envy.
My heart aches for them daily. I wake in
the middle of the night with the Spirit's nudge to pray for them. The first day
I heard of the accident, my prayer was for the Lord to literally help them
breathe under the suffocating weight of grief that had hit them out of nowhere.
I continue to pray because there's nothing else I know to do right now. Time
will ease their pain, but not free them from the ache they will feel
forever.
I've thought some about my own family's
journey with grief and how time both helps and hinders the healing process. I don't for one second
compare divorce to the unspeakable pain of losing a child, and I want to be
very clear on that. That is a category of grieving and loss I hope to never
fathom. This
family did NOTHING to bring about the accident, and in divorce there are ALWAYS
two people at fault in various ways and to some extent because we are all
sinners. There are things I wish I had responded better to, ways I know I could
have been a more godly wife, etc. That is just one of many of the huge
differences between grieving over a child and grieving over a lost marriage.
But still, divorce has been like a death in my family. It was the death of all
my hopes and dreams and plans for my life and my children's lives. It was the
death of relationship with my ex-husband. It was a new reality.
Next week marks two years since the
official death of my marriage. It was a long, excrutiating process getting
there the 15 years prior to that day, but nonetheless, the final certificate is
only two years old. And yes, absolutely time has helped my daughters and me to
heal. The girls used to tell me that crying was my hobby - said in jest but
cutting me to the core because of the guilt I felt at them seeing me so broken
for so long. It took me months to be able to make it thru a single day without
tears. They were random and followed no schedule or pattern.
Stopping at a gas station would sometimes
remind me of the specific candy bar and drink he liked to get on roadtrips.
Tears.
Going for a walk in my neighborhood and
seeing other little girls outside playing with their dad. Tears.
Seeing a man put his arm around his wife
in front of me at church. Tears.
Just the other day I took the dog to a
local dog park and was consumed by thoughts of the times I had come there in the
past. Except with a family. Three little girls and a husband and a dog. No
tears this time, but that old familiar heavy grief on my shoulder once
again.
There has been SO much progress in healing
for all of us. My daughters are more grounded, more secure, more manageable
from a parenting perspective, and I see some of the joy that all children
should have being returned to them. It's been a long road, but time has been
our friend. Slowly, but surely, binding up wounds and restoring our
broken hearts.
And yet, time is also the enemy of grief
in a paradoxical way. You see, time clouds our memories. It makes things that I
once recalled so clearly a bit fuzzy. Things that were (and still are) reality
somehow seem less brutal now that I'm a ways out from it all.
In that awful, deceptive way Satan so
cunningly does, he uses time to glaze over truth. I sit in my big, empty house
and look around and in the darkest of moments hear the thought, "Well, you
got what you wanted. You said enough and now you've lost not just him, but all
of them. Where are your daughters? With their new family. Where is he? With his
new wife. You were so easily replaceable. It wasn't that bad, Sharon. You blew
it and now some other woman is enjoying YOUR family. YOUR KIDS. Way to
go."
So time, it seems is both a help and a
hurt, when it comes to some types of grieving.
Time has played tricks on God's people for
all of history. I so often see myself among the children of Israel who so
quickly wished for their miserable existence back in Egypt. He had rescued
them!! Done AMAZING miracles to get them out and give them an abundant life!!
Yet so quickly, they forgot what the reality of their lives had been back
there. Time made it fuzzy.
It seems like a big, impossible mess to
wade my way thru grieving sometimes. I'll never arrive, I think. And yet, when
I look back over the last four years (and two years officially), I can't help
but recognize how the Lord has grown me and caught my tears and brought the
girls and me along in ways I can't even describe to you. I have grown and
matured and come to recognize Jesus' voice more quickly. He is using the worst
failures in my life and weaving a story for my good and His glory, gently
teaching and correcting me in that beautiful way only He can do. I am even more
painfully aware of my sin both past and present, and He is forming me into the
woman He created me to be. But goodness, it feels like an agonizingly slow
process.
Time - I pray for the quiet soothing it
can bring to this precious family who is aching in grief for their daughter's
passing from this life into heaven. And yet I pray the Lord will protect them
from Satan's vicious lies, whatever they may be, that he will try to plant as
time goes by. I'm so very grateful for the obvious ways the Lord is giving them
strength in devastation and the unbelievable ways He is using them to further
the Gospel. More on that later, in fact...a story for another day.
I guess it leaves me with nothing to do
but surrender it all to Jesus. Throw my hands up and declare Him to be the
watchkeeper over all His children as He promises He is. Time is our friend and
our enemy, But HE is not
bound by time and not susceptible to the lies of Satan.
He is the Lion of Judah. And neither time,
nor death, nor divorce can ever thwart His perfect plan. Trust Him, friends, with whatever lies Satan is using with the passage of time to thwart your healing from grief. Stop yearning for the life He's rescued you from even though you're wandering the wilderness. This is where He has us. This is where He's promised to stay with us for as long as He feels this is where we will most be changed into His likeness. That wilderness is where peace and hope are found, in the shadow of our protective King.
He knows all things. Redeems all things.
Restores all things. In HIS time.
II Corinthians 9:8 "And God is
able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having
all that you need, you will abound in every good work."
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