Mommy Resumes

Occasionally I hear comments about how stay-at-home mothers are “wasting their intellectual abilities” or “eroding their critical thinking skills” by leaving the workplace. I watch these people on t.v., usually women, and as they adjust their trendy glasses with their perfectly manicured hands and push a freshly cut and styled hair back into place while putting me down, I have a few thoughts I’d like the chance to televise myself. I put down my teething child, step out of the maze of freshly folded clothes, and stand up on my coffee table to better proclaim to the t.v. my adamant positions.

I am not a proponent of gambling, but I know how to fix our great nation’s financial woes. Every stay-at-home mom in this country could hold a gigantic bet....let US come run the business world for a few days and YOU people step into our shoes to take a break from your high pressure jobs and power lunch breaks. After just one week, I guarantee mommies would emerge the victors in our little wager, thus producing enough money to pay off our debts and start fresh in this economy.

I think I could qualify as a city planner due to my experience from packing for my family to go on vacation. This involves multiple list making, hypothesis concerning possible clothing and entertainment needs, being resourceful in how I will fit all items into a suitcase half as big as we need, and planning for every possible natural and preschool disaster that could occur along the way.

I am also quite skilled in communications. I would love to see one of the high-powered business kings or queens of the world take on an angry 4-year-old and emerge successful. Her hands on her hips and her angry eyes boring into me, I have been the victor in convincing her that she cannot, in fact, wear her bathing suit to the Christmas party or play with the cutlery in the bathtub. And not just by force, either...I can usually have her completely change her mind and emerge with a big smile as she does what I’ve convinced her is the best thing.

I have extensive HR experience as well. I take complaints (verbal OR written in marker on my walls) 24/7 concerning everything from what’s on the menu to indignation over imposed bedtimes to unhappiness due to siblings that have broken lego masterpieces. I can cause children who are on the verge of pulling hair and biting to hug and make up in the end....an outcome many companies have not been so fortunate as to produce.

And finally, I could serve as a city judge. I can look the accused straight in the eye and determine whether or not they are being truthful. I don’t even need their faces to be covered in chocolate or to see the empty candy bag in their grubby little hands. I can sense it, I just KNOW when someone has done something they shouldn’t have. It comes with the territory of supermom, something I would dare say many of our illustrious career persons have not acquired.

And so, “Miss thing who gets everything done” (without having three little people undoing your work constantly...big deal), please think twice before putting down the real superpowers of the world. You may run a company, but WE run the toddler world...and if they ever break free, heaven help you.