When Being a Grown-up Stinks

Today is one of those days I just want to be a kid.

I want my life to be all about excitement over finding a penny in the street, teasing my sisters, and riding piggy back on my dad's back.

Today, folks, was "update and re-evaluate all your insurance day". Life insurance, homeowners' policy, umbrellas, deductibles, premiums...yadda, yadda, yadda. Grown-up stuff.

I kept thinking, "I cannot really be old enough to have to listen to this stuff." And then I thought, "Wow, I still really am THAT immature and my attention span is THAT short when it comes to boring topics." There were no flashing lights, no games, not even any fun fonts written on the policies I needed to sign. Just questions and more questions about my health, about my activities, about my lifestyle in general.

We opted to increase my life insurance policy. I'm worth a considerable little sum should my number be up one of these days. This makes me feel much better about the condition I'll leave my poor, grieving family in.

Especially since they'll have more than enough to go to Disney World and can buy all the overpriced souvenirs their hearts desire. Their father's theme for a few years could be, "go ahead, girls, your mama would've wanted you to have it."

This would be a big help to my bad cop image we discussed earlier.

During the interrogation regarding my habits and lifestyle, I was asked such questions as:

1. Have you for any reason participated in tobacco use of any kind?

2. Have you participated in activities such as skydiving, bungee jumping, scuba diving, or racing cars in the last 36 months?

Um, well....

Of course not. My children have been so indoctrinated about the evils of tobacco that they would literally kick me out of the family or call in an exorcist should they discover me with a cigarette. Just the other day my youngest very loudly announced in a disgruntled voice that "there's a man over there SMOKING! Mom, did you hear me? THERE'S A MAN OVER THERE SMOKING! I SAID SMOKING!!! MOM, HE'S RIGHT THERE! TURN AROUND!!!" We've all been there as parents, and we just give the poor ridiculed smoker a sheepish smile as we push our little darlings further down the sidewalk.

Regarding the skydiving, bungee jumping question: unless you count jumping off the top bunk bed onto a pile of bean bags as skydiving, then I'm good on that one. Bungee jumping? I just smiled and said no, but inside I was thinking...

"Insurance interrogator lady, I am a stay-at-home mother of three young girls. I get up most days during the week at 4:50AM. I drive a min-van. I have not watched a full length movie in its entirety for six years because I cannot stay awake past about 8:30pm.

Do I seem like someone who would be bungee jumping for fun?"

But I have to admit I was a teensy bit flattered that she wouldn't just look at me and instantly assume I am as boring as I actually am.

Do I take recreational drugs? Not unless you consider Splenda a drug.

I applied for the "elite policy" status, as in it has a cheaper rate because I'm fairly healthy. My hubby also applied to be elite. I looked deep into his eyes and lovingly said, "if YOU qualify as elite I am never going to the gym again." This is a man who scoffs at me when I say exercise counts as a hobby.

We discussed insurance for protection against other people's children getting hurt at our house. This is one of great interest to us, namely, because we've seen what kids do when they get together. Sometimes they kind of lose their minds and think it would be a good idea to see how many people can ride one bike at the same time. Or just the other day, I witnessed a neighbor kid driving around our mini-corvette (the only sports car we will ever own) and he ran right over another child. Took him out right there on the cul-de-sac. We should be covered for things such as this. For that matter, we'd better look at disability, because I have personally been run down by that same toy corvette and flattened to the pavement.

You just never know what kids might do that you could potentially need coverage for.

They might convince the baby to stick her finger in a socket and burn the house down.

They could dress up like superheroes and be persuaded to jump off the nearest tree limb or think they could actually break through a brick wall if they run at full speed.

They could decide that wearing a shirt that has actual electrical wiring connected to it is a good idea. Oh wait...that one happened already...

You see? These are just a few examples of the catastrophes that could happen when you have kids. The list of possible policies to purchase is endless, especially when you're a parent. Sometimes I wonder if we have coverage for brief stays at mental health facilities. That might be something to look into...