Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Man's Best Friend, Woman's Worst Enemy


We are all greatly anticipating warmer temperatures and will happily welcome spring.

Why? Oh, lots of reasons. We can get out and enjoy the sunshine, I can set the kids loose to ride bikes and scooters and big wheels in the cul-de-sac and burn off excess energy, and we can make sidewalk chalk masterpieces on the driveway and in the street. We love warm weather.

But this year there is another reason I am counting the days to warmer weather.

It has to do with a certain dog:



Now, not to name names, but there is a certain pet in this home who has been somewhat of a problem lately. I attribute it to the fact that he hates me, but some have urged me to give him the benefit of the doubt since he is but a solitary year old and still displaying definite puppy behavior.

Nevertheless, as soon as I don't have to feel bad about this certain canine getting frost bite or my kids discovering him as a spaniel popsicle, out he's going.

Why, you ask, am I being so tough on such a cute little doggie?

Well, for one thing, he is a murderer.

Exhibit A:


This is the stuffed animal my oldest daughter was pretty excited about on Christmas morning. She really likes mice, rats, rodents in general (I really don't know) so we got her this cute little mouse that came with a cheese patterned blanket. She loved it.

He came to an untimely and cruel demise at the paws of a certain dog. It was really very tragic, as you can see.

Today alone, this is what I found:

Exhibit B:



Apparently, he was jealous of any other dogs in the house. This stuffed animal, affectionately dubbed "Woofie" by my daughter, did not win this fight.


The violence was not over yet. Just wait.

Exhibit C:

Barbie.


Think she doesn't look too bad?

Take a closer look.



She's been permanently maimed. Her life as a runway model is over, unless she's willing to glide down the runway in a motorized wheelchair. Her bike rides and games of beach volleyball with Ken are over. He'll probably dump her for some new blonde Barbie out there.

Exhibit C:


This cute little mouse doesn't look too bad off, right?

Not at all...if he were a mouse.

He's actually a white bunny rabbit.

Or rather, he WAS a white bunny rabbit until a certain chocolate brown spaniel ate off his bunny ears.

This little guy is now the brunt of the jokes at all the parties in Mr. McGregor's garden.

He wishes he could have the nightmare end by letting himself get caught and made into a good rabbit stew. We're all hoping he makes it through this difficult time.

But lest you begin thinking the dog in this home only disturbs toys, let me present you with a couple more pieces of irrefutable evidence that he is a menace.

Baseboards have been destroyed:


Blinds have been destroyed:


He made short work of this little thingy you use to raise and lower the blinds.


See all the little brown spots on the windowsill?

They're actually teeth marks.

Decency prevents me from showing you the countless pair of undergarments totally destroyed by the dog when the girls left them on the bathroom floor, their room, or anywhere other than the closed laundry hamper. He pretty much seems to live for the chance to demolish underwear. It's quite revolting, actually.

So, dear readers, feel free to drop in and visit us anytime. Just please be sure to leave all toys, all woodwork, all clothing, and all food with you at all times. I cannot guarantee their safety. Last summer a woman I had just met came over and we had a great visit, until she got ready to leave and we found one of her brand new summer sandals missing.

I found it in a few minutes behind a chair with a certain dog looking quite guilty. It was demolished beyond recognition.

It was not one of my prouder moments as a hostess. But seriously, come over anytime.

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