Friday, January 11, 2013

Jiggle It, Just a Little Bit

The search is over.

Finally, at long last, I have unlocked the secret!  A new beginning for a whole new life!!  

Never, never again will the impossible task of getting my mommy body into some kind of shape seem quite so impossible.  The answer was right under my nose all the time!  Here I've been turning down my favorite foods and trying to keep up while working out alongside skinny minnies at the gym, and now I come to find out I've made it much, much too hard to lose weight and be fit.

I'll bet you have, too.  I'm serious.  This is a new beginning for all of us this year.

Look no further, mommies of the world.  Throw out those diet plans, those lean cuisines, those food scales, maybe even your gym memberships (except for some of us the thought of giving up childcare and time to catch up with friends at the Y is just too painful...on second thought, keep the memberships).  

But what is this new beginning for our health programs this year?  One word:

 Goga.


That's right.  Goga, baby.  

I was with a couple friends recently and we were walking past the home of the famous Goga.  The front of the shop was solid glass all the way across, so we got a pretty good view of what was going on inside.  

What we saw was SO unusual the three of us literally could not stop gawking and craning our necks to see what in the world these ladies were doing.  Two women were in there at the time so we could get the full picture of how effective Goga really is.  

Imagine with me if you will...machines lined the walls. 

One woman was standing on the machine much like you'd stand on a treadmill that wasn't moving.  She had a thick, black belt strapped around her waist.  The belt was hooked onto the machine on both sides of her waist. 

And what was she doing?  

The very thing that makes Goga beautiful:  she was doing NOTHING.

Really!  She was just standing there while the machine jiggled and wiggled her for all it was worth.  It reminded me a little bit of when I used to bounce up and down to jiggle my infants so they would sleep.  This woman looked like she'd been jiggled long enough that she absolutely had to maintain a tight grip on the handles or she'd fall right off that Goga machine.  

But what REALLY caught our attention was the woman using a machine on the opposite wall.  You really have to try to picture this one with me.  

Convinced Goga was the holy grail she'd been searching for so long, this second woman had really, really bought into Goga's promises.  Instead of standing on the machine, she was on all fours in a crawling position.  Her hands were on top of the machine, her knees on the floor, and her mommy hiney was straight up in the air, jiggling for God and everyone to see.  

It was just too much for me.  I simply HAD to find out more.  I walked over to where a nearby poster touted all the many benefits of this breakthrough form of exercise.  Let's read it together, shall we?


*Assist in weight loss
*increase metabolism
*decrease cellulite
*increase muscle strength
*tone and firm muscles
*improve mobility
*improve coordination
*massage muscles
*low impact - kind to joints
*suitable for all ages

I mean, need I say more?  SOLD!

Honestly, you'd think doctors and scientists who study this stuff would've figured out LONG ago that all we moms have to do to get rid of baby weight is, well, shake!  It even gets rid of cellulite!  I was under the impression that jiggling and cellulite went hand in hand, but apparently, jiggling can actually decrease cellulite!  Who knew?!

So this year, 2013, really is a new beginning for my workout regime.

I will be jiggling my way to new fitness levels.  What will I do with the kids?  I'll strap them onto a machine, too!  My daughter ran into a wall the other day and later fell down one step.  Improved coordination is something we could all use in this family.

Or possibly I just want to feel like SOMEONE out there is as quirky as I am, and a woman with her rear end up in the air in a public place seems as good a place as any to search for a kindred spirit.

Here's to new beginnings.  Hope to see you there.


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